You Need to Feel Your Feelings

So I just broke it off with this guy I was seeing.

Well, I mean…it was still new…like newborn new

And we hadn’t really spent a whole lot of time together..

BUT STILL.

I know, I know, you’re probably like “dude whatever, get over it- it’s totally not a big deal”

Except for me, it kind of was.

I’m 29 years old, have a four year old and I’ve been married and divorced. ugggh go me.

We were married for four (ish) years, two and a half of it was spent “separated”.

“Separated” because at first we were working towards the ultimate goal of “working through it” by just giving each other some time apart. I stupidly believed the space and time apart would help him realize that he needed us, his family, and he would come back and recommit to our marriage.

It didn’t.

So for the last 2 1/2 years of our marriage, while my husband was out having fun, “dating” we’ll call it- I wasn’t. Even when I knew our marriage was over and there was no going back, I wasn’t going to commit the A word. I was fine, I would just wait it out.

2 years is a long time, and at the same time it’s not, obviously in the grand scheme of things. When our divorce was finalized in February 2015, I thought I was ready to get back out there.

I wasn’t. I was terrified. I hadn’t been on a date in years, hadn’t been kissed, no one had told me I was pretty and I literally wasn’t sure how to even act. I went on one date and, like a lot of people my age I’m sure, he was looking for marriage and kids and a wife… I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I had spent the last few years by myself, growing my independence, figuring out what I wanted out of life and getting my heart right. I decided to nix dating. It could wait- it wasn’t that important to me.

So I didn’t date. I just be-bopped along to the beat of my own drum and spent the next four months working my ass off. I was (and still am) working 3 jobs, 12-14 hour days, trying to build a business, be a mom and still have time for…life?

So when I met this guy, and I actually liked him, I was hesitant, but obviously kind of excited. We went out a couple times, he seemed to like me, we had similar family values and he had goals and dreams he was pursuing too.

After the first couple dates, we’d make plans, and for one reason or another it wouldn’t happen and I wouldn’t hear from him which was disappointing and frustrating. I’m not about to waste my time chasing a guy, and I hate that “is he going to call or not” feeling. I had given him a couple “out” opportunities (“why don’t we just go our separate ways- no hard feelings….”) but he didn’t take them. Finally, today, I just severed it.

What’s the point of this long-winded, dumb story? I knew I needed to do it, it wasn’t feeling right, I was getting anxiety over it and I’m literally rarely anxious about anything. Even though I was the one that did it…it still hurt, yanno?

I think a lot of times, we tend to try and just bury our feelings. We think they are dumb, or we have “better things to worry about” and we don’t take the time to honor them and just….feel.

So I did. And I am. I told myself I could take tonight. I will eat Raisinets until I feel sick, I can watch some dumb movie, or maybe go grab a couple drinks with my sister, but come 6am tomorrow morning, it’s over and I’m movin’ on. I mean, this was my first real attempt at dating and I needed to give myself that.

I didn’t want to focus on what I thought I should be feeling, but how I was actually feeling. How my body felt physically- am I sweating? Tired? Do I feel constricted? And mentally what was I thinking. Am I sad? Why am I sad? Disappointed? What am I disappointed about?

For me it was important to identify why I was feeling the way I was. As a mom, I’m constantly doing it with my 4 year old- checking in, making Branden identify what’s causing his feelings; but as adults, I think we tend to just chalk it up to being sad, or group a bunch of different feelings under one more general feeling and leave it at that.

I was (and am) a little sad- not as sad as I thought I would be, but sad, I think, because it didn’t work out quite like I thought and to be honest, kind of disappointed he didn’t try a little harder (in my opinion).  At the same time, I’m relieved that the source of my anxiousness is over and I don’t have to wonder about all of the things I was, well, wondering about.

At the end of the day, I just need to keep reminding myself that this interaction, with this person, had a purpose. Just like any other interaction with any other human. Even if it didn’t turn out the way I wanted, even if it seems so insignificant- there is a bigger plan and a bigger purpose and maybe I just needed to have that experience or learn something. Or maybe, this opportunity was meant less for me and more for him. Maybe he needed to have this experience and learn something or have this opportunity to grow.

I can’t be sure, but I’ll hang my hat on that.