I love those “ah ha” moments. When things just click and you all of a sudden you see the picture- you get it. But sometimes those moments are painful and it “clicks” but not necessarily the way you hoped or thought it would. That was me this morning- after a conversation trying to figure how to rearrange schedules so my son can spend more time with his dad. I’m working a lot lately- probably close to 50 hours a week and my parents primarily have him in that time. And after being told that was the reason we moved to NH- because my parents were here to help- I hung up the phone very frustrated.
I had bit my tongue. I didn’t remind him that “we” didn’t move to NH…B and I did and it was for a very different reason. That he chose to join us- and I’m grateful for that…because he is close in proximity to B.
I sat there just wishing I could erase the negative, manipulative people from my life and resenting that I “couldn’t.”
I left the gym, got in my car, let out a big sigh and heard “you’re the one keeping him here.”
Was I? The more I thought about it the more I began to see. Here I was complaining and wishing I could remove that negative energy from my life, and here he was, kind of removing himself. I was trying to get him to stay, to be more involved, to make him be around more, to make him prioritize differently.
The reality is that is not my job. That is not my decision and it’s totally out of my control. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it totally confusing? Of course- and I think it brings more questions than answers.
It’s also a hard pill to swallow when you realize the pain and struggle you’ve been dealing with is, in a way, self inflicted. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize what is and what isn’t in your own control.
So today, I’m grateful for that “ah ha” moment. It was not what I was looking for, but it was a reality check I definitely needed.